1
00:00:01,740 --> 00:00:03,390
Spencer: Previously
on half and half...

2
00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:06,141
I had the best summer in L.A.

3
00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:08,103
Yeah. Got your e-mail.

4
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:11,621
And, entre nous,

5
00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,667
I indulged in a
little summer fling.

6
00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:15,752
Is he in this trunk?

7
00:00:15,841 --> 00:00:19,021
We are planning a
surprise anniversary party

8
00:00:19,106 --> 00:00:20,496
for my mom and daddy.

9
00:00:20,585 --> 00:00:22,235
Well, it won't be as
much of a surprise

10
00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:23,626
for mom since she's throwing it,

11
00:00:23,719 --> 00:00:25,159
but daddy will be surprised.

12
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:27,072
Camille, these
pictures are incredible.

13
00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:29,457
I mean, how did you get
beyonce to pose with that lion?

14
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:32,031
I didn't. We were
on safari in Kenya.

15
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:34,379
The lion ran up. I
snapped the photograph.

16
00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:36,649
And I'll tell you, in addition
to singing and dancing,

17
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:38,862
the girl can run.

18
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,871
Did it suddenly
get tropical in here?

19
00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:44,043
Are we having a hot flash?

20
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,871
Don't be silly!

21
00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:48,398
Women in their mid-thirties
do not have hot flashes.

22
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:50,443
What does that
have to do with you?

23
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,972
Spencer loves you. He's
loved you since college.

24
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,015
He told me so himself at
Jason and Karen's wedding.

25
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,767
He's been fighting it for
years, and it's killing him inside.

26
00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:00,277
Ohh, I'm spent!

27
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:04,889
You know, I sensed something
was going on with him,

28
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,977
but is this possible?

29
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,067
Spencer is passionate about you.

30
00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:12,066
I listen. I see. I know.

31
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,952
Heh! How'd I miss that?

32
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:29,922
♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

33
00:01:30,002 --> 00:01:32,402
♪ you're finding
you I'm finding me ♪

34
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:34,363
♪ you're finding
you, I'm finding me ♪

35
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:37,922
♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

36
00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:39,750
♪ who brings out the joy ♪

37
00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:40,928
♪ brings out the joy ♪

38
00:01:41,013 --> 00:01:44,283
♪ inside of me ♪

39
00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:46,715
♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

40
00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:48,802
♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

41
00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:52,331
♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

42
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:54,026
♪ you and me ♪

43
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,644
[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

44
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:03,946
[Knock on door]

45
00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:05,646
Good, you're home.
I gotta talk to you.

46
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:08,824
Can it wait, say,
3 to 5 minutes?

47
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:11,171
No! I just saw Spencer

48
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:12,921
in the elevator at delicious

49
00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:15,922
slobbing down Camille,
our new photographer.

50
00:02:16,005 --> 00:02:17,435
So?

51
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:19,438
He didn't tell me first.

52
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:21,450
Now, I don't mean
he had to tell me

53
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:23,672
before he tongued
her, but now I realize

54
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,232
this has been
going on for a while.

55
00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:26,969
I mean, the canceled lunches,

56
00:02:27,059 --> 00:02:28,579
the whispered phone calls.

57
00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:30,370
We're supposed
to share everything.

58
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,764
Mona, some things are private,

59
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:35,848
and cannot be discussed because they
could turn a person's world upside down.

60
00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:38,048
I mean, that's why I can't tell
you about the miscellaneous baby

61
00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:40,380
I might be pregnant
with, so get over it!

62
00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:45,301
Know what? Spencer can wait.

63
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,342
Did you say miscellaneous baby?

64
00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:51,256
I am just one trickle away
from knowing my fate.

65
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:56,698
Oh, my god! Dee Dee,
who? When? How?

66
00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:59,085
Mr. Summer fling. On the beach.

67
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,479
And I think you know how.

68
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:03,099
How could you not use a condom?

69
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,273
You took a whole suitcase full.

70
00:03:05,359 --> 00:03:07,269
Of course we did, but it broke.

71
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:09,541
I think the salt wore it down.

72
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:10,974
Oh, from the ocean water.

73
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,540
No, from the margaritas.

74
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:16,939
Mona, what am I
gonna do if I'm pregnant?

75
00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:18,892
I'm only in my second
year of law school.

76
00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,981
I'm just getting used
to being on my own.

77
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,940
How can I be independent
with a dependent?

78
00:03:24,029 --> 00:03:26,339
Well, maybe you're not pregnant.

79
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:27,993
I mean, how late are you?

80
00:03:28,077 --> 00:03:30,947
28 hours and 19 minutes.

81
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:40,219
You might want to hold
off on buying a breast pump.

82
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,529
Mona, I have gained 2 pounds

83
00:03:43,614 --> 00:03:45,754
and I'm craving salami!

84
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,234
I'm going insane.

85
00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:49,404
Would you mind if I peed alone?

86
00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,320
Actually, I'd prefer it.

87
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,925
But please call me
as soon as you know.

88
00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:56,366
I'll be at Spencer's.

89
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,803
Hey, can I tell him you
might be knocked up

90
00:03:58,890 --> 00:04:00,890
just to... heh! Break the ice?

91
00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:02,289
No, you cannot.

92
00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:04,512
Well, then, can I tell dad?

93
00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:07,122
I've been waiting years
for you to mess up this big.

94
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:13,507
[Doorbell buzzing]

95
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:16,041
Spencer: All right, all right!

96
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:18,125
Brother lets out a
few screams of joy,

97
00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:20,304
and suddenly the
whole neighborhood's...

98
00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:22,130
Oh, it's you.

99
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,258
Yes, it's me, nipple guy.

100
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,396
And I have to tell you,

101
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:30,115
my feelings are a little
hurt. That's why I'm here...

102
00:04:30,139 --> 00:04:32,969
In the middle of a sex scene.

103
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:35,055
Can this wait? I have a guest.

104
00:04:35,144 --> 00:04:37,194
Oh, she's still here?

105
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,277
Yes, she is.

106
00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:40,926
Camille. Hi.

107
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:43,019
Yeah, uh, Camille.

108
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,068
Y'all met, remember? At work.

109
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,114
When everybody had on... Pants.

110
00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:50,163
Care for a little vino?

111
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:51,526
No, thanks. I
don't like drinking

112
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:53,335
out of Spencer's jelly jars.

113
00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:54,863
Oh, me, either.

114
00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:56,336
I'm pretty much
game for anything,

115
00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:57,686
but I draw the line

116
00:04:57,775 --> 00:04:59,385
at Welch's grape collectibles.

117
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:02,387
We have actual glasses now.

118
00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:04,996
Ain't she classy?

119
00:05:05,087 --> 00:05:07,657
We? Is she living here?

120
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:09,482
Oh, no, darling.

121
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:12,010
Relax.

122
00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:14,144
Look, I just didn't want
to tell anyone about us

123
00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:16,006
until I knew it was real.

124
00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:18,028
That's ok. I just thought
we were friends, that's all.

125
00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:21,056
Come on, Mona. Don't go
questioning our friendship over this.

126
00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:23,406
And, if I may butt in, which
I'm going to do anyway,

127
00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:25,457
so don't try and stop me,

128
00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:27,982
friendship's not always
defined by the sharing of secrets.

129
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:30,896
Sometimes it's defined
by the giving of space.

130
00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:32,682
Oh, that's nice.

131
00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:35,343
Real nice.

132
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:39,303
I suppose you make a point.

133
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:40,862
Some sort of grown-up-y,

134
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:42,819
more mature than
I am kind of point.

135
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:44,337
And I will
contemplate that point

136
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,131
on the other side of this door.

137
00:05:46,215 --> 00:05:47,975
Well, thanks for playing.
See you later. Bye!

138
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:51,997
Uh, don't mind Mona.

139
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,830
She's, uh, well...

140
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:55,878
Once you meet her
mother you'll understand.

141
00:05:58,923 --> 00:06:01,233
I knew you'd lose that man
if you didn't do something!

142
00:06:01,317 --> 00:06:02,447
Now look what's happened.

143
00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:03,706
Not only have you lost him,

144
00:06:03,798 --> 00:06:04,858
you lost him to an older woman.

145
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:07,146
And a foreigner at that!

146
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:10,976
You let that woman sail across
the ocean to take your man.

147
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,936
Ma, Spencer wasn't my man.

148
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:15,334
And you know why? Because
you didn't listen to your mother.

149
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:18,198
I begged you to get to that
man before somebody else did.

150
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:19,880
Now you can't get to him
because somebody else

151
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:21,951
listened to her mother
and beat you to the goods.

152
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:25,078
He's just a friend.

153
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,997
Sure, a friend I spend
most of my free time with,

154
00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:30,963
but, hey, if he's
happy, I'm happy.

155
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,132
I'll just have to get a hobby.

156
00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:36,128
Well, your new hobby
is gonna be being alone.

157
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:38,161
You want to know about
alone? I'll tell you about alone.

158
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:39,380
It's waking up in the morning,

159
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,659
there's 2 eyes staring at you,

160
00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:42,448
and they belong to a cat.

161
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,532
And sometimes it's 4 eyes

162
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:47,891
because the cat brought
someone home. That's alone.

163
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:51,062
Do they have psychotherapists
for psychotherapists?

164
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,889
Don't drag
Dr. Hoffman into this.

165
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:55,868
Now, have you thought about
how to get Spencer back?

166
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,983
Ma, I couldn't stop
this if I wanted to.

167
00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,679
This thing is moving fast.

168
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:02,027
Remember Spencer's
jelly jars? Gone.

169
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:05,077
[Imitating Camille] They
have wine glasses now.

170
00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:07,473
Wine glasses?
What did I tell you?

171
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:09,337
I'll tell you what I told you.

172
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,879
I told you to buy that
man some wine glasses.

173
00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:12,738
2 christmases
ago I told you that.

174
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:14,323
I even went down to crate and
barrel and bought somesome

175
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:15,666
for you to give to him.
But what did you do?

176
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:17,346
You kept them for yourself.

177
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,237
Now you got 8 matching
wine glasses and no man.

178
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:22,828
[Phyllis muttering]

179
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,710
Ugh!

180
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,322
I always wondered what outfit

181
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:27,682
I wouldn't want to
get caught dead in.

182
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,618
Now I know.

183
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,170
And I always wondered
if pets really do

184
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:33,929
look like their owners. They do.

185
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:36,278
Speaking of pets,
tell your herd of cats

186
00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:37,848
you'll be home
early on Saturday.

187
00:07:37,935 --> 00:07:39,715
The party will be over by 10:00

188
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,737
so Charles and I can spend
a romantic evening together.

189
00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:45,065
Oh, does the ritz have a
defibrillator in every room now?

190
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,080
Charles is more
energetic than you think.

191
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:48,472
In fact, I'm trying
to figure out

192
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:49,955
how to slow him
down in the boudoir.

193
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:53,166
Trust me, you can't.

194
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:55,735
Just get through those 3
minutes and get on with your day.

195
00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:00,654
"If the blue plus sign
appears, congratulations.

196
00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:02,311
"You're gonna be a mother.

197
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,574
"If a pink minus sign
appears, congratulations.

198
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,308
You're not gonna be a mother."

199
00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:09,842
Talk about straddling the fence.

200
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,361
Hello, hello! Baby
Dee, it's mother.

201
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:15,499
Whoo! I'll be right out!

202
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:17,342
Sweetheart, can I get
into the little girls' room?

203
00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:19,186
Had a couple of
French martinis at bizou,

204
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:21,001
and you know I don't
sit on public porcelain.

205
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:24,369
Give me a second!

206
00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:28,204
I didn't know you
were coming over.

207
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:29,570
Oh, well, I needed you to
proofread the party menu.

208
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,946
Shoo, shoo, shoo! Go, go!

209
00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:35,909
[Knock on door]

210
00:08:35,993 --> 00:08:37,653
So? Am I going
to be auntie Mona?

211
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:40,784
Shh! I don't know
yet. I peed on the stick,

212
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,498
but before I could look
at it, my mom showed up.

213
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,802
Now it's locked in
the bathroom with her.

214
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:45,477
Save yourself!

215
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,618
Mother, could you
hurry up, please?

216
00:08:50,704 --> 00:08:52,184
Big Dee Dee: Just
a minute, darling.

217
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:53,970
No! Now! I need
to get back in there.

218
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,835
Show a little Patience!

219
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,242
A little intestinal
distress, dear?

220
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,543
Yes, that's it. Ok, time to go.

221
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,000
Just leave the menu
on your way out.

222
00:09:05,022 --> 00:09:06,222
All right, dear. Just make sure

223
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:07,814
you take a good look at this...

224
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,806
Both: Oh, my god, I'm pregnant!

225
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:18,296
Both: What do you
mean you're pregnant?

226
00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,523
What do you mean you'repregnant?

227
00:09:22,039 --> 00:09:24,649
Mom, this is my pregnancy test.

228
00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:26,828
No, dear, this is
my pregnancy test.

229
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:29,184
What are you doing
taking a pregnancy test?

230
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:31,274
What are you doing
taking a pregnancy test?

231
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:33,877
I asked you first!

232
00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:35,774
And what makes you
think that this one is yours?

233
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,252
Because these are
the nail marks I left

234
00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:39,062
when I was clutching it,

235
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:40,703
waiting for the results
in your bathroom.

236
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:43,536
Well, if this one is yours,
then where is mine?

237
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,981
Woo-hoo! Yes! I'm not pregnant!

238
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,807
Ohh! And it's a good
thing you're not, young lady.

239
00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:54,496
How dare you almost
make me a grandmother.

240
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:59,860
I think that is really
off the subject.

241
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:01,817
Mom, you're pregnant?

242
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:04,725
How is that possible?

243
00:10:04,821 --> 00:10:06,761
Well, your father and I have
been rekindling our passion

244
00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:08,610
ever since his heart attack.

245
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:10,955
I mean, it could've happened
any one of a thousand times.

246
00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:13,305
The Fairmont, the
back seat of the Bentley,

247
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,825
your couch... ok!

248
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:18,879
Ok. It's just...

249
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:21,796
We all thought that you
were starting menopause.

250
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:24,232
Guess I had a few
eggs left in the carton.

251
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,496
Wow.

252
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:30,544
So what now?

253
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,330
I don't know. With
you on your own,

254
00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:35,325
it was just starting
to be about me.

255
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:40,027
And your father, his heart
is barely beating as it is.

256
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,757
I'd better have the
paramedics standing by

257
00:10:41,815 --> 00:10:43,115
when I drop this one on him.

258
00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:48,471
[Knock on door]

259
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:54,004
Hey.

260
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,219
Look, I just wanted to
get my leather jacket.

261
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:59,308
I think I left it here.

262
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,007
Yeah, you did.

263
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,110
I'm sorry I showed up
at your place earlier.

264
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:15,023
That was kind of awkward.

265
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:16,459
Yeah.

266
00:11:18,547 --> 00:11:19,937
Kind of like now.

267
00:11:22,029 --> 00:11:24,069
Yeah.

268
00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:26,251
Well, I've gotta run.

269
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:27,247
Camille's waiting in the car.

270
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:29,558
Great.

271
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,515
You know, Spence,

272
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,803
I'm glad you found someone
who feels the same way about you

273
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:36,043
that you feel about them.

274
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,390
What's that mean?

275
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,350
It means I'm being supportive.

276
00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:41,698
Now go!

277
00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:50,804
Ohh.

278
00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:52,284
[Knock on door]

279
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:55,982
Guess what?

280
00:11:56,063 --> 00:11:58,813
You're pregnant and i'm
the good daughter now?

281
00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:01,292
Sorry, your luck hasn't
changed that much.

282
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,204
I'm not having a baby. Yay!

283
00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:06,288
But my mother is.

284
00:12:06,377 --> 00:12:08,857
Can she do that?

285
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,299
Apparently, she can.

286
00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:15,693
And she did. And she is.

287
00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:17,038
Wow.

288
00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:20,605
Dee dees times 3.

289
00:12:20,696 --> 00:12:22,306
Scary.

290
00:12:22,393 --> 00:12:23,703
Not to me. I'm thrilled.

291
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,346
I think.

292
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,440
Yeah, I am.

293
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:30,619
I can't believe your mom's
gonna be a mom again.

294
00:12:30,706 --> 00:12:33,926
This is like a huge,
life-altering change.

295
00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:35,414
Especially for you.

296
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:36,973
How so?

297
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,630
Well, I'm the firstborn.
That's in stone.

298
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:43,145
But you? You've just
become the middle child.

299
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,770
You're not Cindy Brady anymore.

300
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,252
From now on, you're jan.

301
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,250
[Elevator dings]

302
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:57,119
Hey! I've been
looking for you, man.

303
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:59,131
We gotta talk.

304
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:00,763
Why did Mona tell me
she's happy I found someone

305
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,520
who feels the same way about me

306
00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,997
as I feel about them?
What's up with that, huh?

307
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,958
I don't like being accosted.

308
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,087
You have 15 minutes
to get your hands off me.

309
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,704
Did you tell Mona

310
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,602
what you swore you'd
never tell that I told you?

311
00:13:14,619 --> 00:13:16,879
I am offended that you
would even think such a thing.

312
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:18,560
When you tell a gay
person to keep a secret,

313
00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:21,670
it's kept. That's what
we do... keep secrets.

314
00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:23,447
Got any more?

315
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:26,021
No. And I don't ever
want Mona to know

316
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:27,369
I had real feelings for her.

317
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,418
Had? Don't you mean have?

318
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:30,874
I'm not fooled by
that British beard

319
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,177
you were sexing in the elevator.

320
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,272
I know what's going on in here.

321
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:36,290
Wow. Gibraltar.

322
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:40,909
Look, what I had
for Mona was real,

323
00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:43,084
but she's made it clear she
doesn't feel the same way.

324
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:46,300
So I moved on. I'm with Camille.

325
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:57,232
Sweetheart, you did a
great job with the party.

326
00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:59,104
And with your
mother not drinking,

327
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:02,146
it's not gonna cost me
nearly as much as I thought.

328
00:14:02,232 --> 00:14:05,192
Yeah. Mom's trading
one bottle for another.

329
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,370
Wow. We're gonna be
doing the bottle thing again.

330
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:14,237
Private school, and the car,

331
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:15,641
and then college...

332
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:20,557
Chest tightening...
Can't breathe...

333
00:14:20,642 --> 00:14:22,252
Remember the
little boy who cried,

334
00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:23,909
"chest tightening?"

335
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,473
You're gonna be all right.

336
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,650
We're all gonna be all right.

337
00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,166
I'm gonna be a big sister,

338
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:31,169
and you're gonna be
somebody else's dad.

339
00:14:31,261 --> 00:14:33,741
Yeah, I'm gonna be
somebody else's old dad.

340
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:35,479
I used to be the hip dad.

341
00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:38,790
Now I'm gonna be the
hip replacement dad.

342
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,358
Aw, pop,

343
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:42,274
don't put that kind of
pressure on yourself.

344
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,494
You were never hip.

345
00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,291
Camille: Mrs. Thorne,

346
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:01,806
the candid photos will
turn out much better

347
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:05,171
if they're a little
bit more... Candid.

348
00:15:05,252 --> 00:15:08,782
Dear, I don't do
pilates, tae-Bo, facials,

349
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,474
and Botox merely to provide

350
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,651
eye candy for the random
construction worker.

351
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,647
I do it for image.
And with pictures,

352
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,259
I control that image

353
00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:17,980
by knowing where the
camera is at all times

354
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:20,404
so I can look my
absolute best. Heh!

355
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:21,794
I don't do candid.

356
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:23,177
I see.

357
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:24,880
I knew you would.

358
00:15:36,109 --> 00:15:37,849
Want some ice to
keep those things chilled

359
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,197
while you work your way
down to the prime rib?

360
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:42,247
Oh, don't bother. I brought
a cold pack with me.

361
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:46,344
Need a to-go cup
for your champagne?

362
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:48,643
Got that covered, too.

363
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:52,260
You're good. Can't wait to
see where you put the fondue.

364
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:55,874
Mona, they're out of shrimp,

365
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,145
and something told me to check

366
00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:59,573
the bottom of your bag.

367
00:15:59,654 --> 00:16:02,184
Hey, this is my family.
I'm entitled to this food.

368
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,345
I just don't happen
to be hungry right now.

369
00:16:05,703 --> 00:16:08,533
Listen... i need to apologize.

370
00:16:08,619 --> 00:16:10,969
I could've told you about
Camille a lot sooner.

371
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:15,281
Well, sometimes it's hard
to tell people what's going on

372
00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:18,455
so you just don't, and then
they find out another way.

373
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,152
Guess that's how life is.

374
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:21,370
Yeah.

375
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:26,421
Hey, it's not like I
do this all the time.

376
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:29,424
Mona, please.

377
00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:30,820
It's why they have your picture

378
00:16:30,902 --> 00:16:32,262
at the register
at the red lobster.

379
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:38,820
[Mutters]

380
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:41,170
Camille, that is
an amazing gown.

381
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:42,741
Oh, thanks.

382
00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:45,127
It was a ceremonial
mandarin wedding dress,

383
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:47,791
but I scored it off a
shoot for panda express.

384
00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:53,228
Oh, um, Mrs. Thorne, I
was just about to reload.

385
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:55,666
Damn, I hate to
waste a good pose!

386
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:00,126
Ooh! There's my
man. I'll talk to you later.

387
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:01,459
Ok.

388
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:02,722
Hey, babe.

389
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:03,984
Hey.

390
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,237
Look at them. They're
cute together, huh?

391
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:10,421
Yeah. Real cute.

392
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:14,509
Did I miss something?

393
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,704
Both: Nah!

394
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:31,091
Ma! I can't believe

395
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:33,100
you actually decided to show up.

396
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:35,452
What made you change
your... have you been drinking?

397
00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:37,192
I'm here, aren't I?

398
00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,123
I would've been here
sooner, but a crowd swept me

399
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:41,315
into the myman bat
mitzvah down the hall.

400
00:17:41,408 --> 00:17:43,708
Those kosher coladas
really got some kick.

401
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,504
Well, I need to talk to you

402
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:47,937
about something
kind of delicate.

403
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:49,333
It's about big Dee Dee. She's...

404
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:50,696
Oh! It's what I
thought, isn't it?

405
00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:52,641
She's going through the change!

406
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,253
Phyllis.

407
00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:56,554
Big estrogen-challenged Dee Dee.

408
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,640
Ma, I don't think
you want to go there.

409
00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:01,689
I'm a grown-up. I know
where I want to go.

410
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,596
Ok.

411
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:05,611
I see your "living
alone and loving it" club

412
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:08,003
went home early. So
glad you could make it.

413
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,867
And I see you don't
have a drink in your hand.

414
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:12,739
Allow me to share.

415
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:17,915
It's like an old friend.

416
00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:20,009
Too bad my doctor's
advised me not to drink.

417
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,579
The things they have trumped
up over the last 20 years.

418
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:25,666
Ahh. Those menopausal
personal summers

419
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,106
finally getting to you.

420
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:30,503
Phyllis, Dee tell
you we're pregnant?

421
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:31,807
Pregnant?

422
00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:33,593
Yes. Which explains my pooch.

423
00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:34,897
How about yours?

424
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,990
You can't be
pregnant. You're old.

425
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:39,513
And he's older.

426
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:43,168
But I still know
how to lay it down.

427
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,393
So you see, what you
thought was menopause

428
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,516
was actually the end
of my first trimester.

429
00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:54,658
So you actually do
have sex with that man.

430
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,662
I'm speechless.

431
00:18:56,744 --> 00:18:58,624
That's the best gift
I've gotten tonight.

432
00:18:58,702 --> 00:18:59,922
Thank you.

433
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:03,490
Here's to another 24 years

434
00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:05,357
of happiness, togetherness...

435
00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:06,798
And unexpected miracles.

436
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,187
To my mom and dad.

437
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:12,149
Guests: Hooray!

438
00:19:13,978 --> 00:19:17,288
I hope that Amazon
has a 15-pound baby.

439
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:21,423
That's what I love
about you, ma.

440
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,288
You never give up hope.

441
00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:31,872
[RandB music playing]

442
00:19:42,572 --> 00:19:44,572
It was a nice party, wasn't it?

443
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:46,321
It was quite a night.

444
00:19:46,402 --> 00:19:49,062
The man I never wanted got away,

445
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:51,634
and the inside of my purse
smells like I found Nemo.

446
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:55,236
I'm feeling good.

447
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:59,503
Plus, our mothers finally
spent some time together,

448
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,109
just the two of them.

449
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,330
I don't think throwing
up in adjoining stalls

450
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:05,549
could be considered
an act of togetherness.

451
00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:09,248
Hey, we are talking
about our mothers.

452
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:10,948
We should take
what we should get.

453
00:20:10,998 --> 00:20:15,548
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